i think i'm not going to heaven when i die

if i dun go to hell, that is. My teenie weenie brain is FULL of crap and evil thoughts. 孟子曰：人之初， 性本善。性相近，习相远。旬子：人之初，性本恶。Observing the kids during badminton, think neither is true. Most of the thirteen and fourteenagers are sweet-tempered and good-natured, looking at the way they handle victory and loss, interact with peers and teachers, and the positive outlook they have on things that fall upon them. Then there's this minority with a slightly shadowed view of the world, darkened by perhaps experiences, or the way their brain is wired to perceive, worldly or simply, disinterested. Then the very very minor group, people who a warped colored view of the world, pessimistic and critical, disapproving os almost anything that comes their way. For such differences to occur, 老子must be right: Man is born neither good nor bad, but with the propensity to be either.

Of course, this also means what i think of 初should be on the same grounds as what the ancients meant. Logically speaking, it must be when the first cries are heard from the newborn, but realistically, it should be when the child is capable of conscious thoughts and decisions, when any accounting for can be done. Perhaps, it does indeed refer to the newborn, hence these kids that i see have gone through 13 years of moulding that have strongly changed their brainwaves.

As i look at them, i am horrified at the things i think of. I'm not pure-hearted or whateva crap angel. Jus dont have the guts to actionalise nor verbalise my thoughts, ugly terrible thoughts. i'm jus a being loadful of jealousy and narrowmindedness, things which are weighing me down all the time, so i cant float to heaven! haha, is there a slim10 for worries??